[warning: emo post/rant. don't read if you can't stand it.]
and i guess that's the end of it.
i never expected it to end this way. and disappoint so many people while in the process. pathetic, isn't it? least of all with you.
you might think badly of me now. or that i'm just a sad loser who just randomly entered your life for a bit and proceeded to screw it up. i wish that it didn't have to be like this. and that i could have been a good friend to you like you said you treated me, and not have used you as a replacement. unknowingly. i thought we used to be decently close, but actually
you were just one of those where our friendship would just drift after some time. and then that's it, gone. not the first, nor the last. and perhaps i really didn't put in enough effort and all. but i thought i did. and i still am confused as to how everything starts to screw up after some time.
and now i'm losing my vocabulary as well. how lovely.
i've probably been a perfectly horrid person to many people. i can think of a few who would feel more about this issue right now. i miss the times that i had with those people before we stopped talking. and it hurts a lot to lose friends. that you thought you were close to. and thought you wouldn't lose.
and even that one redeeming spark of being nice, or so they say, i don't think it's enough to do anything. it just makes me a bad person with a small bit of goodness. that wouldn't account for much. except to maybe one or two people.
i wanted to make a difference in people's lives. i hated myself enough to hope that other people wouldn't have to go through the same. did that cause the downfall? without love for yourself you can't love others. or something. and so it was all destined to fail right from the beginning and the memories in between are just lies.
i just remembered a sermon where the pastor said God put trials in our life in order to test us and mould us. if that's true. isn't this enough? losing nearly everyone in your life and not trusting anyone anymore. i wish i could still have some faith in Him but it's getting harder and harder and i can't pull myself back anymore. hopefully i'll emerge a better person from this then. so i won't hurt other people anymore.
repression and antisocialness. i can't tell whether they actually helped or not. if i'd never tried to talk to you, would it have been better?
you think our friendship never existed. that you were just there as a standby for others. well, i never thought that way. i cared for you and tried to do my best to be a friend. and it was all just a lie to you wasn't it? even though you choose to think so... i hope that in reality i did do something. and that you took some things the wrong way.
this is so rambly. if anyone's actually reading this. thanks for putting up with me and my crap >_> i don't think you would understand what's going on either anywya.
i don't have any idea what to say anymore. what to do. except that i'm sorry for everything. and that my intentions were far from this. totally.
it's been a long and horrible week. bleh. i am so good at breaking people up.
freedom is betrayal
scream at me yell at me throw a knife at me i don't care anymore but just rail at me so i can feel even worse
but don't just stand there and give me that half cry and half laugh
goodbye..? i'll still remember the memories, whether or not they were fake
because i want something to hold on to
music: as i lay dying - collision
